Hope Avenue Counseling Services
My WordPress Blog
Has there ever been a period in your life when you’ve struggled with forgiveness? Perhaps someone has done something harmful or hurtful to you and you just can’t seem to forgive them for it. I’ve been there too. Quite frankly, during my childhood there were many things that I’ve struggled with and needed to overcome. […]
Has there ever been a period in your life when you’ve struggled with forgiveness? Perhaps someone has done something harmful or hurtful to you and you just can’t seem to forgive them for it. I’ve been there too. Quite frankly, during my childhood there were many things that I’ve struggled with and needed to overcome.
None of my childhood challenges were more difficult to overcome than learning to forgive others. Like most of you, I have come to learn that my belief system about forgiveness was filled with tons of misunderstandings.
There were a number of reasons for my lack of understanding and I’m pretty sure the same might be true for you. Your beliefs and understandings may possess limited insight. Lacking true comprehension to the depths of forgiveness. Instead of remaining upset and frustrated from those past upsetting feelings, you can learn from my experience.
I have had to learn a lot about forgiveness during my time. From my experience I’ve learned three reasons why people struggle with forgiveness. However, before I dive deeper into the three reasons, allow me to discuss some of the myths and challenges surrounding forgiveness.
Myths:What Forgiveness is NOT
Forgiveness is not forgetting; it is not condoning, it is not absolution, and it is not a clear cut, one time decision. Forgiveness is much more than you may think. Forgiveness is the mechanism that frees us from the binding of a particular experience; it enables us to feel permitted to release feelings that once held us captive.
Through forgiveness you can free yourself from all the emotional energy you’ve once carried for years. It does not mean that what happened to you was okay, but what it does mean is you don’t have to carry the negative emotional energy associated with the experience any longer.
Forgiveness is NOT about accepting an apology, to later throw it back in someone’s face out of spite. Forgiveness is NOT lying to yourself that you no longer care. Forgiveness is NOT universal, it will look a bit different for everyone.
Let’s take a look into the challenges with forgiveness.
Challenges with Forgiveness
Whatever the reason for your struggle with forgiveness, if we continue to hold on to and harbor old feelings of hurt and pain I can assure, you will be the main person affected by this energy i.e. (anger, frustration, anxiety, lacking trust, hindrance on future relationships etc).
My personal experience with forgiveness has taught me that the power lies in your ability to release yourself from the emotional pain of the past, and the pain that has been transferred into your present situation. What I also learned from this experience was, there are many reasons for holding onto grudges and lacking forgiveness, but there were a few that overlapped.
Three Reasons People Struggling With Forgiveness
Denial: We attempt to down-play the impact or importance of painful past experiences. We bury our thoughts and feelings about these experiences believing this will also bury the pain. When this happens we are rejecting the present moment and our true feelings. This negative feeling, if it continues to go unchecked can lead to resentment and other harmful emotions. A tool that can be very helpful is journaling; it will allow for the opportunity to identify how you feel and process your emotions.
Self-Blame: We try to explain what happened to us by assuming we were somehow responsible for the injuries and injustices we suffered. When doing this, we can negatively affect our self-esteem as we work overtime to convince ourselves; we would not have been hurt if we did things differently. When there is a struggle with self-blame therein lies a need for self-forgiveness.
Victim: We recognize that we did not deserve or ask for the hurt we received. We are well aware of how we were damaged by painful past experiences. So much so that we wallow in self-pity, expect little of ourselves, or lash out at anyone and everyone who “crosses us”. When we fall into the victim category it is extremely important to develop the tools to process your emotions. When this happens it will allow you to work from victim to victorious.
Please remember that forgiveness is a process of healing. How will you begin your healing process of forgiveness?
If you are someone who struggles with forgiveness, and no longer want to avoid your emotional pain there is help. Reach out to Hope Avenue Counseling Services. There is someone who will help you develop the tools to effectively manage your emotions.
Call or email
acarson@hopeavenuecounseling.com
One of the most loosely used terms has certainly been “mindfulness”. You hear the concept of mindfulness mentioned across many different sectors of life, from buddhist monks to business and thought leaders. Mindfulness has definitely gained a lot of attention as of recent years, and for good reason. It’s recent popularity is largely due to […]
One of the most loosely used terms has certainly been “mindfulness”. You hear the concept of mindfulness mentioned across many different sectors of life, from buddhist monks to business and thought leaders. Mindfulness has definitely gained a lot of attention as of recent years, and for good reason.
It’s recent popularity is largely due to the potential benefits that mindfulness provides across many areas within a person’s life. Benefits in areas like dealing with stress and overwhelm to alleviating symptoms of depression and trauma. Whatever the issue, mindfulness teaches us to have a better relationship with ourselves and the world around us.
The moment you begin to comprehend the concept of mindfulness is the moment your life begins to change. If you are new to hearing the term of mindfulness, I’m sure by now you might be wondering what is this mindfulness thing I speak of?
Mindfulness is a state of non judgemental awareness of what’s happening in the present moment. The goal is to have a heightened awareness of the current moment, being fully engaged in whatever is happening in the now. Most people are busy focusing their attention on the past or the future, missing whatever may be unfolding right in front of them. “When we focus on the past that is depression. When we focus on the future that is anxiety. The power is in our ability to be strongly rooted in the now.” During a state of mindfulness you will begin to notice your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations as they happen. The goal is to merely become aware of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations; not to change or label them.
There are two central components to in mindfulness, awareness and acceptance. Mindfulness is a synonym for consciousness, which is your ability to be aware or focus. Awareness is vital in mindfulness; awareness of what is happening in any given moment. During a state of mindfulness you will notice your thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they happen. The goal isn’t to clear your mind, the goal is to become aware of your thoughts rather than getting lost in your thoughts.
The other component to mindfulness is acceptance. In mindfulness, acceptance is used as a barrier of non judgemental energy. It acts as a filter to accept your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without labeling them. For example, if you notice a feeling of worry, simply state to yourself. “I notice that I’m feeling worried.” There’s no need to judge or change the feeling.
How can mindfulness help me? That is a great question. There are many people who lack awareness of what needs changing in their lives. Mindfulness is the tool that allows you to identify the problem. Think of it like a flashlight; it can be used as a guide to shine the light onto your patterns and routines, both healthy and unhealthy. Identifying the problem is just the start, mindfulness will also help to manage the problem by first managing your emotions. In order to manage the things going on in your external world, you must first be able to manage your internal world.
If you are someone who is struggling emotionally, and no longer want to avoid your emotional pain there is help. Reach out to Hope Avenue Counseling Services there is someone who will help you develop the tools to effectively manage your emotions.
Call or email
(909)295-5295
acarson@hopeavenuecounseling.com
Recently, I was having a discussion and the topic of anxiety came up. The context of the conversation surrounded around anxiety and loneliness. The conversation went back and forth from reasons people feel anxious, to how most people are so anxious they end up becoming lonely. However, before we dive deeper into the details from […]
Recently, I was having a discussion and the topic of anxiety came up. The context of the conversation surrounded around anxiety and loneliness. The conversation went back and forth from reasons people feel anxious, to how most people are so anxious they end up becoming lonely. However, before we dive deeper into the details from this conversation allow me to establish an understanding of what anxiety is and what it feels like.
Have you ever felt an emotion that carried a strong tension with it? Such as a strong feeling of worries or intrusive thoughts that you couldn’t help but feel tormented by? Have you ever experienced physical changes like heart pounding, sweating, or headaches during an anxiety episode? Whatever the case, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America you may be one of the 40 million American adults who suffer from some form of anxiety disorder.
When it comes to anxiety one of the key components that is often overlooked is loneliness. According to a Cigna Health study nearly 50% of all Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone. Loneliness can often be at the center of someone who is struggling with anxiety. What is ironic, even though a person may experience such intense feelings of emptiness, often times they are not alone in their external environment. Many times family and friends are within their immediate environment, providing moments of distraction from the emptiness; despite the desire to connect, feelings of worry and disconnection conquer most moments.
It may seem crazy to think that a person can have family and friends around them, yet feel alone or abandoned. Excessive worry coupled with loneliness causes exactly that; a person to feel empty, alone, and abandoned. When someone is in this state of mind it makes it difficult for them to connect with other individuals, even though there is a strong desire for human contact.
There are many contributing factors for challenges with anxiety; this can show up as difficulty concentrating, experienced restlessness, and racing or unwanted thoughts. These are just a few of the symptoms that someone may experience. Each person may have a slight difference in expression, however, one thing that is central is the belief that if the problem were relieved then comfort would be received. If you’re like me you might be asking yourself, I wonder what this looks like in real life?
A typical situation involves a person struggling emotionally with an issue like intrusive thoughts; thoughts that are laced with content like… I always (blank)… or if only (blank) were different I would… These types of thoughts hijack a person’s mood, making them irritable, easily frustrated, and snappy, which can lead to more anxiety.
If you are someone who struggles with anxiety, here are a few questions to ask yourself to begin unhooking yourself from being emotionally hijacked.
If there were a way to magically take away anxiety from the world and allow those affected to reclaim their lives. I’m sure a lot of people would be relieved, however, that is not the world we live in today. In today’s world many of us are struggling with some form of anxiety. One of the chief reasons for the challenge is people are making projections into the future.
There are so many of us struggling with things that have not yet happened; we worry excessively about the future, what it entails, and the future problems that will arise. When we make these projections into the future, it takes us out of the current moment and projects future problems into your current circumstance. The present moment is already challenging enough. If we could learn to pay attention to our emotions in the moment, and effectively address whatever is there we’d have an easier time at managing our anxiety.
There are many tools that help with alleviating anxiety and loneliness. One of my top suggestions would be to learn effective coping skills like physical exercise, mindfulness, and relaxation exercises. Roughly one fifth of all Americans are dealing with some form of anxiety, however, many of us do not possess the tools to effectively manage it. Below are a few tools that I use with my clients to help orient them to the present moment. All the while developing the tools necessary to manage each decision with a conscious approach.
White space is a term that I don’t remember where I acquired its name, but I consistently use it and reference it. White space is the point between stimulus and response. Basically it is the point between something happening and the response time, the response time would be considered white space. The more white space you create the better your response to the situation. Here is an example. There are two people driving in separate cars on the freeway. In car number one the person is driving a sports car and soaring at speeds above 90 miles per hour. In car number two the person is driving in a minivan at a cruising speed of 70 miles per hour.
Both individuals have their cell phones on their lap and receive a text message at the same time. What they don’t realize is that they’re approaching a traffic jam. Each person looks down at their phones, by the time they look up they are forced to quickly react to oncoming traffic. The time between looking up from the phone and reacting to the traffic is considered white space. The person with more white space will have more options as it pertains to responding to the traffic jam. As we play out the scenario from above, the person driving the minivan would have more white space than the person driving in the sports car.
The goal of this example is to recognize that we can all benefit from utilizing white space. There are many times our emotions get the best of us. Taking time to think about the situation, or process the information prior to reacting will greatly increase your chances of a successful interaction.
Mindfulness is a very effective tool in managing anxiety and loneliness. The goal of mindfulness is to have a heightened awareness of the current moment; being fully engaged in whatever is happening in the Now. There are many people who lack awareness of what needs changing in their lives. Mindfulness is the tool that allows you to identify the problem. Identifying the problem is just the start, mindfulness will also help to manage the problem by first regulating your emotions. In order to handle the things going on in your external world, you must first be able to manage your internal world.
We do not have to continue struggling with loneliness or anxiety alone there is help. Tools can be learned to manage difficult emotions and stressful situations that arise. Remember when we make projections into the future it causes anxiety, because at the root of the anxiety is a desire for control. We don’t always have control of our future, but we do have control of our present moment. Learning to manage the present moment will allow us to manage our future experiences.
If you or someone you know is tired of struggling with anxiety and wants to regain living a vibrant life, filled with purpose and calmness. Please, reach out to us at Hope Avenue Counseling Services we’d love to help guide you in your transformation.
Emotionally Hijacked Just the other day I saw someone on the freeway get extremely pissed off because he was cut off by another driver. As an observer from outside the situation you could see the man get filled with anger in an instant. You could see him yelling something as he provided the other driver […]
Just the other day I saw someone on the freeway get extremely pissed off because he was cut off by another driver. As an observer from outside the situation you could see the man get filled with anger in an instant. You could see him yelling something as he provided the other driver a middle finger as he passed.
This guy was extremely upset. In that very moment he lost track of what was most important. “I remember thinking to myself, this dude is super pissed off. He must have been really emotionally triggered by that situation. This happens to us all the time. Something will happen and we have an extreme emotional response.
Simply put, a trigger is an activation mechanism. When someone becomes triggered, they are being emotionally activated. Have you ever gotten super pissed instantaneously, by something someone said or did? Hypothetically speaking, let’s say that you’re passionate and dedicated poet, who identifies as being a good writer. If someone were to criticize this person’s work and it caused an extreme emotional response. The feeling that arose is due to being emotionally triggered.
5 Types of Triggers
There are many things that set us off or cause very strong emotional response within us, however, I will provide 5 simple ways in which we are triggered. Just think of our five senses: hearing, smelling, taste, touch, and sight. Each of our 5 senses can cause an activation of emotions.
Hear: You can hear something familiar and be emotionally activated. Good example, listening to music; the music can activate/trigger past or present feelings. What you hear can remind you of a difficult time or remind you of a time in which you overcame an obstacle.
Smell: For example, let’s say there is an individual who was physically violated by a person with a distinct scent. It is safe to say that the person whom was violated will probably never forget that scent; the scent alone can trigger the past memories of abuse and the accompanying emotions.
Taste: For taste I have a personal example. There is a dish that my mother would make when I was a child, it triggers me to this day. In the past, whenever I would smell or taste this dish it would trigger a time in my life in which I felt helpless and afraid. The smell and taste of the dish reminded me of how powerless I felt, how weak I was, and how there were many things out of my control. It reminds me of a difficult time in my childhood. Trigger!
Sight: Have you ever watched something on television or see something in your personal life that acts as a trigger when you see it? Here is a subtle example. I have a friend who avoids a particular movie because it triggers memories of a painful childhood. Just the sight alone of this film sends this person into a tailspin. It triggers them every time.
Here’s another example, have you ever looked at something that has triggered you? The answer is probably yes. Think of looking at an old picture of yourself or someone else. Once you view that picture it can trigger an array of emotions.
Touch: This is one of the most frequently recognized triggers. Think of a PTSD veteran who is hypervigilant (an edgy person on high alert for detecting a threat). This person might respond differently to someone putting a hand on their shoulder than someone who doesn’t have PTSD. For the PTSD veteran, a hand on the shoulder can trigger treat and danger.
It is extremely important that we become aware of our triggers and where they originate. Only then can we combat these triggers with effective processing and coping skills. Take some time to explore what is going on below the surface. This is how it looks; if your emotional response and behavior doesn’t fit the facts (detecting threat when no cause for it) there may be something more going on below the surface.
Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself a few subtle questions. Why am I so bothered? How does this situation remind me of my past? What is the emotion I feel at this moment? As you begin to ask yourself these subtle questions, you allow yourself to separate from the problem and begin working toward the solution.
Are you Someone who Struggles with Anger Issues? Have you ever felt like you may have anger issues? Do you constantly blow up on people for little things? Do you react impulsively by cutting people down with your words? If this sounds like you; someone who struggles with anger issues, I can assure you that […]
Have you ever felt like you may have anger issues? Do you constantly blow up on people for little things? Do you react impulsively by cutting people down with your words? If this sounds like you; someone who struggles with anger issues, I can assure you that you are not alone.
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. One of the most common triggers comes from this place of annoyance. If you have anger issues, one of the things that may set you off is things that you may believe to be “dumb, stupid, or universal knowledge.
There is the belief that people are dumb because they don’t understand common sense. I’d be the first to tell you, common sense isn’t always all that common. What that means is, not everyone thinks alike. Just because things were done a certain way and looked a certain way in your life growing up, it doesn’t mean that it is an identical experience for the next person.
It’s not fair to place a belief that things that makes sense and is understood by you, is universal knowledge; information that should be known by everyone. Those who have anger issues react on these type of occurrences with a heightened level of anger, on a scale of 1-10 they’d be in the range of 7-10. If someone falls into this category, their anger ranges between sever anger and explosive anger. Everyone expresses their anger differently, however, there are anger types that have a common thread.
If this sounds like you, you may be a volcano waiting to erupt. This is typically the makings of a “stuffer” anger type, someone who pushes their emotions down until one day they explode uncontrollably with emotion.
When we push our feelings down we leave ourselves susceptible to building up an enormous emotional energy that can cause great harm if unchecked. It’s easy to push our emotions away, however, there are residual effects as a result of doing so; each decision to push away erodes at your sense of self
This is a person who is dealing with upset feelings about a particular thing, but does not communicate those upset feelings during its occurrence; however, this individual waits for someone outside of the situation to explode upon. Quick example: someone gets really upset because they were chewed out at work, but doesn’t communicate their anger at the moment.
In fact, they bottle it up until said person arrives home and unleashes the anger out on their spouse. When you carry the anger from a previous environment into a new environment you might be setting yourself up to react impulsively; often times we don’t respond from our best selves when we react to situations as opposed to responding to them. Responding as opposed to reacting implies that there has been a processing of thought before engagement, allowing one to pause for a split second, and respond from their greater self.
Anyone who struggles with anger issues have learned over time how to deal with angered emotions in a distinct way. Often times, their method of expression is directly correlated to those in which they were raised with. That could be friends, family, or television.
Just as we have learned to express our anger issues in a particular way, we can also learn the tools to effectively manage our anger.
It is all determined by our ability to be aware of ourselves and our anger. In order to determine your personal level of awareness it might be helpful to elicit the help of a trusted person you know and ask for some honest feedback.
In addition to the feedback, utilize your personal beliefs about your anger issues, as an example, think of a barometer and determine where you are on a scale of 1-10, and if your belief is identical to that of the trusted individual’s feedback you may have a good understanding of the level to which you have anger issues. From there you should now be able to apply attention to this area and make adjustments if necessary.
The behavior might vary in range of expression, sometimes It may look like a shouting match, other times it might be a full on physical confrontation leading to a fist fight. The goal for us all should be to effectively manage our anger issues by utilizing tools that have been predetermined. Meaning that you have already determined your struggle with anger issues and have put a plan in place to manage any potential anger outbursts.
Most of us do not have an effective anger management strategy, in fact, most of us do not believe we have anger issues at all.
A number of people manage their anger by utilizing distractions like: drugs, alcohol, sex, television, and food. These are not the best way to handle our emotions, especially when we may be emotionally hijacked.
What these distractions do is allow us to not address or think about that very thing that may be bothering us, and push down the emotion we’re experiencing until it passes. Possessing proper coping tools is the hallmark of a well adjusted emotionally regulated person. Effective coping tools are things like: exercise, eating healthy, hobbies, journaling, meditation, and talking to a trusted individual.
Each individual should have a least five coping tools at their disposal because you never know when you will be triggered, but you can always be prepared beforehand in case difficult situations and emotions arise.
Take a look at the video below and learn more about anger issues and the massive impact possessing anger issues can cause on someone’s life.
Anger is something we all deal with, some of us handle this emotion better than others. If you are someone who struggles with anger and no longer want to feel out of control; click here to learn more about seeking additional assistance from a trained mental health professional.
Here’s a short reminder: there are people out here who understand your experience and want to assist you to overcome powerlessness. There is someone who can help you work through life’s challenges and assist in propelling your life forward in a way that allows you to regain control of your life and your emotions.
What is Anger Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Another example of anger would be, when someone does something that we do not like, or feel threatened by, this feeling of anger can begin to show itself. When we experience a strong feeling of displeasure, often times, that is […]
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Another example of anger would be, when someone does something that we do not like, or feel threatened by, this feeling of anger can begin to show itself. When we experience a strong feeling of displeasure, often times, that is anger.
Have you ever been a part of an experience in which you were left with a strong feeling of displeasure? This happens to us all the time; that moment someone says something that we don’t like or approve of, this feeling of anger begins to emerge.
Most of us respond from this angered place instinctively as well as impulsively. For example, If someone were raised in a home or environment where the expression of anger were commonplace this individual might also express anger in a way that is reflective of that experience. By result, instinctively one might respond to situations and events in a similar way from people in their immediate environments. We learn from the people and things directly or indirectly within our personal ecosystem.
In psychotherapy there is a term we use called “modeling.” It essentially means conducting yourself in a particular manner to display a proper way of managing or conducting oneself. When we model adequate behavior it can have great impact. It provides the other person with an experience that may lead to a future corrective behavioral response.
All behavior is learned behavior, whether you are aware of it or not. We don’t just wake up one day and start mistreating people, that is something we learn. Just how some of us have learned to behave negatively, we can also learn to behave totally opposite, motivated by being positive and encouraging.
If you are someone who struggles with anger issues, there is help and many options available. It all starts with an openness to providing yourself an honest assessment of your anger level. This will allow you to bring attention to this area and make the necessary adjustments or corrections. Especially for those who struggle with being positive and encouraging to others.
If you’re an honest person you’d admit that anger has probably gotten the best of you at one point or another. What makes one individual upset does not necessarily make the next individual upset, it varies. It differs from person to person.
Often times when we get upset, there is a cause and effect situation taking place. Before we get upset, there is a cause (the things that piss us off) followed by the effect (the reaction to the situation, i.e, expression of anger). During this cause and effect situation what’s under the surface is the lack of understanding that anger is a secondary emotion.
For example, let’s say you have a teenage child who is 16 years old. He or she has been given a curfew of 11pm. Say for instance he or she comes strolling in at two in the morning. I’m sure for most of us, we are gonna be pissed, which is another word for being angry or upset.
Before the feeling of upset or anger emerges, there is a flash of other potential emotions that arise. Consequently, these emotions often do not receive the proper attention necessary. Acquiring this subtle attuned skill can aid in the discussion with the child later.
Initially the first emotion we might experience is fear; fear that something may have happened to your child or the child may be a part of an unsafe situation. Fear is not the only emotion being experienced. Another emotion might be sadness; sad because the whereabouts of your child are unknown and there is a potential chance that your child may be in danger.
When you think about it, there were various emotions that one had experienced. The harsh reality is we don’t acknowledge our full spectrum of emotions. We isolate our focus and primarily give our attention to the anger. When this happens, we run the risk of reacting impulsively and responding from a place of anger.
It would benefit us to have an understanding of anger being a secondary emotion. The emotions that transpires before the anger is considered primary emotions. Let’s rewind back to the analogy from earlier with the child coming home past curfew.
Once that child walks through the door, the primary emotion that is often displayed is anger. If we can become aware that anger is a secondary emotion it can aid us in our management of our anger. It will allow us to convey the additional accompanying emotions to enhance greater understanding.
